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Curious what it’s like? Here’s how couples in open relationships make it work…
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Read this if you’re curious about “open” relationships
I’m not advocating open relationships. I’m not a fan, actually.
I’ve been married to Jodi for 33 years and I hope to stay with her for at least another 70 years.
But I do want to show you something that I have explored in my research that you will find very interesting…
Let’s start with Marilyn Monroe.
“Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” Marilyn Monroe famously crooned to John F. Kennedy on his birthday in 1962.
There were many rumors at the time about JFK having affairs with women…
And Marilyn Monroe was often at the center of these rumors – with decades of speculation about when and how it happened.
The reality is that powerful men, from Bill Clinton to Martin Luther King Jr., have often had wives as well as multiple women “on the side.”
This wasn’t considered unusual behavior and was mostly winked at as being manly.
But, even if affairs were tolerated, they were still considered “cheating.”
In the last few decades, though, a new type of relationship has emerged – open relationships.
You probably already know this… These are relationships in which sexual activity outside the relationship is agreed upon but the couple bond remains intact.
“Open relationships typically describe couples in which the partners have agreed on sexual activity with someone other than their primary romantic partner, while maintaining the couple bond.”
Despite a lot of rumors that say otherwise, open relationships CAN work – remarkably well.
But happiness in these situations depends on how you structure these relationships and the amount of trust that’s involved.
Styles of open relationships
There are several styles of open relationships – consensual non-monogamous, partially open, and one-sided.
In this study, they looked at all three types in addition to traditional monogamous relationships.
“Significantly, they divided study participants into five distinct classes of relationships:
- Two monogamous groups, representing earlier- and later-stage monogamous relationships
- Consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationships, marked by low interest in monogamy and high levels of mutual consent, comfort, and communication around commitment and sexual activity with a person other than the primary partner
- Partially open relationships, with more mixed attitudes toward monogamy and lower consent, comfort, and communication
- One-sided sexual relationships with a person besides the primary partner, in which one partner desires monogamy while the other partner engages in sex outside the existing relationship with low levels of mutual consent, comfort, and almost no communication between the couple about sex outside the relationship”
These different types of relationships produce different levels of satisfaction and happiness.
What makes open relationships work?
The secret to happiness in open relationships is in the “triple Cs” – consent, comfort, and communication.
“The team discovered that monogamous and consensual non-monogamous (CNM) groups demonstrated high levels of functioning in their relationships and as individuals.”
And…
“Both monogamous groups and the consensual non-monogamous group (CNM) reported similarly low levels of loneliness and distress, and similarly high satisfaction levels in regards to needs, relationship, and sex.”
In other words, if both parties were happy with the arrangement and spoke with each other openly, then open relationships worked well…
It really is that simple.
What makes open relationships fail?
On the other hand, open relationships in which the consent and comfort levels with the arrangement weren’t as mutual functioned less well.
“The partially open and one-sided non-monogamous groups exhibited lower functioning.”
Here is the big takeaway…
If you desire an open relationship, it’s important to find a partner who wants the same thing.
Dragging your partner into this unwillingly is likely to lead to dissatisfaction – especially if the open relationship is mostly one-sided.
“Overall, the one-sided group fared worst of all, with the highest proportion of people significantly dissatisfied with their relationships: 60% – nearly three times as high as the monogamous or the consensual non-monogamous group.”
Does monogamy still work?
Yes, monogamy still works… And I think it is a BETTER plan for most men and women.
And monogamy can be SUPER good with Nirvana Sex, which boosts your attraction to each other with a weird biological hack.
“People in both monogamous groups reported relatively healthy relationships, as well as some of the lowest levels of loneliness and psychological distress.”
The reality is that both monogamy and open relationships can work extremely well for people – when there is mutual caring and respect.
“Both monogamous groups and the consensual non-monogamous group (CNM) reported similarly low levels of loneliness and distress, and similarly high satisfaction levels in regards to needs, relationship, and sex.”
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The bottom line on open relationships
Open relationships absolutely can work when there is mutual consent and caring about how both partners are feeling.
But when the open relationship is more one-sided, it can create resentment and friction in the relationship.
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- Do open relationships really work? https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/10/191029182513.htm
- Delineating the Boundaries between Non Monogamy and Infidelity: Bringing Consent Back Into Definitions of Consensual Nonmonogamy With Latent Profile Analysis https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2019.1669133
- Relationships – tips for success https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/Relationships-tips-for-success
- 5 Tips for Healthy, Loving Relationships https://www.extension.harvard.edu/inside-extension/5-tips-healthy-loving-relationships