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Men don’t seem to do as well as women do after the death of a spouse.
It’s a real concern, especially as a man ages with his wife.
But what are the effects of a man losing his wife?
And what can you do about these effects if you ever lose your wife?
What is the “widowhood effect” that men seem to go through?
That’s what we’re looking at today.
We know that widowhood is much more depressing and destructive for men than it is for women.
So this study looked at the well-being of widowed men versus widowed women.
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And it concluded that men do not have as easy a time as women adjusting to widowhood.
Though women lose more financial security as a result of widowhood, they still adjusted better than men did.
Overall, men lose the most when it comes to emotional and physical well-being.
The answer may be in the different ways men and women approach emotional support.
And being emotionally satisfied is a major contributor to our well-being and our longevity.
At the end of the study, researchers found that widowhood is more depressing for men than women.
And they could see the effects in several ways.
- men suffer the more intense effects just after the death
- widowhood has a stronger association with poor health for men
- widowed men find domestic tasks more distressing
- widowhood reduces social interaction and support more for men
In fact, statistically, women do pretty well after losing a spouse.
They don’t suffer nearly as much from the effects seen in men.
Men do suffer significantly more.
And they have a more difficult time meeting their emotional needs.
Women tend to get their emotional needs met by their spouse, extended family, and friends more than men do.
After widowhood, a woman is more likely to struggle financially than a man — but less emotionally.
But men rely more on their spouse than women do for emotional support.
For a man, having a wife and companion for a lifetime appears to satisfy a man’s emotional needs entirely.
The loss of this support often leaves men feeling like they are lost and floundering.
It contributes to unhappiness and depression.
Another important issue the study addressed was attendance at religious services.
The study points out that men tend to stop attending religious services as frequently after the death of a spouse.
And that lack of attendance appears to have a significant effect on a man’s emotional health.
They may grumble and groan about having to go.
But the reality is that both the services and their wives’ insistence that they go are important to a man’s survival.
They’re often central to a man’s positive self-image and sense of belonging to a community.
Without our wives, we go less often, and we lose this sense of belonging.
Another reason men fare less well in widowhood is the depression over the domestic tasks we never had to take care of before.
All the extra hours we have to put into keeping things up at home cause us stress.
We find ourselves inexperienced and unprepared for the tasks, and we find them daunting.
So, with missing our wives and the new stress of housekeeping, we realize we have another issue.
Widowed men are also isolated from friends.
Most married couples tend to hang out with other married couples.
But once you have lost your spouse, friendships with these same people tend to decline.
On the other hand, widows tend to thrive in friendships they find with other widows.
Men do not have the same opportunities to interact with other widowers.
First, women tend to live longer than men, so there are many more widows in the world than widowers.
There just aren’t as many men surviving a lost spouse as there are women.
This scarcity makes it much more difficult to connect.
For women, the opportunities for interaction with other widows helps them stave off depression after their spouse dies.
But men tend to be isolated in their bereavement.
The study confirmed that widowed men do not have the same social opportunities and support system as do women.
And then we there is the physical toll of becoming a widower.
Men don’t take care of nutrition as much as a wife does, and this has an impact on their overall health.
And men also tend to take up unhealthy behaviors after their wives die.
They may smoke or drink more — things that wives are notorious for curbing.
Men lose so much more than their spouse when their wives die.
Because of the lost emotional and physical care our wives give us, widowed men die much sooner than widowed women.
And because it happens less often, many men are just shocked to outlive their wives.
Without someone to protect and provide for, life may seem meaningless.
The blow of the loss of a wife often seems like too much to bear.
Many men give up.
The grief often leads to such deep depression suicide or an imminent slower death from self-neglect happens.
Unlike the widow, the widower goes through the grieving process alone.
Every man needs to consider that he may be one of those few men to outlive their wives.
And he should work to cultivate the skills he’ll need to cope with the stress of that new role.
For men who are already widowed, men’s support groups are often helpful.
They can be important for replacing the emotional support the man lost.
Many men who have become part of a widowers support group find it rewarding.
They report that the interaction with other men going through the same thing reminds them life is a beautiful thing.
And it reminds them that it does go on.
Yes, there is a giant hole in your soul in your life after losing a spouse.
Your life’s companion is gone and can never be replaced.
But life itself is still a miraculous thing.
And support groups often remind a man that it is still worth living to its fullest.
https://academic.oup.com/psychsocgerontology/article/56/1/S56/546685/Gender-Differences-in-the-Depressive-Effect-of
Having been widowed twice, once at age 50 and now at age 68 I find much of what you say is true. But what I have found missing in all that I have read on line is the loss of physical touch and yes, sex which no one addresses. My first wife gradually died over two years. My second wife died in less than a month. To suddenly loose all intimacy with the person you love more than life has a huge impact on our grief, depression, identity, and self worth. With the death of a wife, we no longer know who or what we are.
Much of this resonates for me, although there are differences. My wife lost sexual interest 10 years before her diagnosis, so that was kind of a struggle. Still, with all that was negative about our relationship, much of my identity was connected to her and regardless of any problems, I loved her very much. The greatest challenge for me was the realization that we would never do the things we did again and there will never be another opportunity to improve our relationship. She was an incredible Program Analyst and business partner. I lost her to brain cancer.
This article sums up this widower’s state of mind.
Much of my self-identity and self-worth has taken a insurmountable loss that I struggle to compensate for on a daily basis while dealing with the reality that I must get on with my life much like an infant learns to walk.
My wife died 10 months ago It’s been the worst 10 months of my life I will never be the same. I never thought I would be starting life over again at 70 after 40 years of marriage. She was my only living relative. we had no children. or living family members.No support system nothing.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is possible to start over. I knew someone who never married until age 80 and had a very happy 15 years. I hope you find peace and suggest if you have a faith that you start at the church or synagogue or mosque or whatever it is. Group dance lessons for ballroom or salsa are really good too. you have to get out there even if you don’t feel like it.
Hi Matt, in reply to Mr Wynn’s comment, I ‘d just like to add that “getting out there again’ isn’t necessarily the sole answer? I think its a balance between pushing yourself out the door, but also becoming used to being on your own? Not easy, for sure. I’m in the same boat, lost my partner 7 months ago , but I’ve found myself avoiding being alone, long term we’ve got to accept the new reality? Cheers JC
it is 8 years now since i lost her and no amount of suffering will replace her in my eyes so what is the solution?
i am lonely. My daughter thinks I should wait at least a year before dating again.
I disagree. I would begin as soon as possible.
I have now been widowed for 10 months. My wife I were married for 45 years. Over the last 10 we became less and less intimate because of her health issues. Her heart was failing, and she would not follow the instructions of her medical providers until finally in November her heart stopped several times. After a long discussion with the ICU doctor, I decided to remove her from the ventilator where she passed away in less than 3 minutes. I don’t regret my actions as she would not come back. I am now moving on and have found someone that I have been able to talk about anything and everything to include sex and politics. Both has the tendencies to cause friction within a relationship. I miss my spouse, but I have also realized I resented her for not taking the advice and help from her health care providers. Life does move on if you just open your heart to the opportunities.
thank you for an inspiring and moving post. So appreciate it.
I can relate to Ricky Hill. I lost my wife, my love just 9 days ago. She died in my arms from a massive heart attack, She also had been a cancer patient for 10 years. This has left a big hole in my heart. The sex had stopped 8 years ago because of the cancer. I miss our time together talking, laughing, drinking coffee together every morning, That was our time together. The morning that she passed, we had great time that morning, and joking. laughing. The thing that I have the hardest time with is, I will see or hear something and I will think that I have to tell Nancy that and suddenly realize that I can’t, she gone and it all floods back in. I miss her so much.
I lost my wife (the love of my life) suddenly and unexpectedly 23 months ago after 57 years of marriage. After nearly two years the grief at her loss continues with but little diminution. I am very fortunate in that I’ve reconnected with someone who was a mutual friend of ours decades ago. This friend (I’ll call her Mary} had lost her husband to cancer and we now provide mutual support for each other. Without this re connection, I’m not sure how or if I would have survived. Yet, despite the love and companionship of Mary, I still miss my wife with an ache that seems unaffected by passage of time.
Adding to my desolation is the fact that my daughter, our only child, resents my having brought Mary into my life, apparently feeling that this is a betrayal of my wife’s memory. Thus, in addition to the loss of my wife, I’ve also lost the close relationship my wife and I had enjoyed with our daughter and her family. My daughter isn’t hostile towards me, just cool. She rejects any suggestion that we get together for birthdays, holidays, or other special occasions and, on the rare occasions when we arrange to meet, she makes it clear that Mary is not welcome. The bottom line is that when my wife died, I lost not only my true companion, I lost my immediate family as well. Were it not for Mary, there would be very little reason for me to carry on.